(no subject)

Trying to avoid most of social media for a while. By a while I mean like three days with no posting. We'll see how it goes. I've never really have done anything to cause myself to need to ween off social media so this isn't terribly important to me. Right now I don't have anything better coming along. Just trying to figure out what that might be.

Reached out to a friend I haven't spoken to in two years. The seperation was completely my fault, I was terrified of change so I just cut her completely from my life because I had the control over that rather than what was happening. I realize that control is something I feel I have very little of in my life. Though certain things are helping me deal with that and realizing what control I do have.

She however waited a day to gather her thoughts and then just let loose on me. She doesn't want to try and repair our friendship. I don't blame her either. Even though I'm majorly bummed out about it I think it might help me move on regardless. I need to start building new friendships, and let go of the things that I can't control.


(no subject)

grandpa 2

Just about a month ago my grandfather passed away. It was incredibly sudden, and I miss him terribly. There are moments from that evening I reflect on a lot. He used to sit in the driveway outside every day when it wasn’t raining, or sometimes even just in the open garage when he was. In fact he was such a permanent fixture he’s even on google maps street view.

grampa street view

So whenever I come home from work and I see his car tucked away, his chair in storage in the garage and no grandpa it really hits me.  Even writing this is hitting me.  There were things he didn’t get to see me or my sister do, and not being a particularly emotional family I definitely didn’t tell him that I loved him enough so I really hope he knows.

grandpa 3

The passing of Robin Williams has really fucked me up emotionally too. Losing someone so iconic and full of life to suicide is of course shocking, but like my grandfather to me I think that Robin Williams is one of those celebrities that seemed permanent.  I’m unreasonably upset about his death not only because of the joy he had given so many people over the years or the circumstances in which it happened, but because seeing everyone mourn Robin Williams so soon after my own loss awakens that in me.  I want to talk about it with people beyond the fact that “it’s so sad” because I can share that grief publically without it getting too close to me, I won’t start sobbing over Robin Williams, but I do have problems even saying out loud that I’ve lost my grandfather without crying.  So I’ve been trying to connect with people who have lost a part of their childhood and maybe their life since that’s what I’ve lost.

It’s proven difficult of course, but when it comes to my grandfather I have to be grateful that I’ve had him as long as I did. That his death was quick, and while it was sudden and we didn’t get to say goodbye, he also didn’t have to suffer and we didn’t have to watch him suffer.  That my last memory about him was him sitting at the next door neighbors sharing a Stella Artois (a beer I’ve been drinking quite often now). And that on his last day in this physical realm with us it was a beautiful day, and he had spent it going around the neighborhood in his electric wheel chair talking and drinking with all the neighbors which is what he was best known for. That he found out my older sister was going to be getting her first house and their offer had been accepted. And even now that things in all of our lives have been slowly straightening out I wonder if it’s because he’s helping push things through. I miss him so much even if we often got into fights about me cutting his toenails and then he’d pretend that he didn’t know me.  I miss him and think of all the little things he did for me when I was little, and how excited I always was to go to grandpa’s house, because he always gave me tootsie rolls and cherry pepsi and called me “little girl” up until the end.  I’m also pleased to know that he has acted as a grandpa for the rest of the neighborhood children, giving out candy to them as well whenever he saw them on his trips around the block.  I really miss him and I was only going to write a short thing about him, but I can’t stop crying and I wanted to put this somewhere where I felt like I wasn’t bothering too many people.

grandpa 5

(no subject)

I am so sick right now. Already have missed a week of work and I'm missing another day tomorrow. Tonsils are swollen, I don't have a fever, and it's not strep.

I just feel terrible and tired and would like to be elevated to a higher plane so I don't have to eat anymore okay thank you.



It's very frustrating when you go so far ahead to plan and then people seem to fuck it over.

I suppose it's no one's fault the flight is delayed. No one can help that.

But when you have your cellphone and waste the battery before your second flight even takes off because you have been farting around on tumblr all day, and when people are waiting to get in touch with you, you don't even have a charger on your person so you can tell them where to pick you up and what is going on? It's irresponsible, and it's also fucking annoying.

We were supposed to be in Boston right now for the convention, and now it doesn't look like were getting there until at least 6...actually...make it more like seven.

I didn't talk to the girl who was flying in and all morning everyone has been fuddy duddy with their plans and no one knows what airport they are flying out of or what flight number they're on.

I'm already also upset that this girl who is 19, while we are all 23-26, has already been whining about the rule where if she decides to drink, she can't leave the room. I feel like not allowing her to drink at all, I'm not trying to be a prude, and I think everything is okay in moderation, but when someone doesn't understand that it's the 'of age' people who will get in trouble for allowing them the alcohol.

I'm trying to relax and tell myself it will be a good weekend and we're going to have fun but right now I'm just thinking about opening that Jack Daniels I have downstairs.


(no subject)

I've been trying to start up another dating profile, though I have really no idea why. I've only realized that I shouldn't really be looking for a relationship right now, unless I fine someone that meshes with me magically it's not going to happen. I keep looking to my past relationships that I was comfortable in, and trying to identify what didn't work there and if it's worth seeking out another relationship like that.  I think it's just a matter of finding someone who I can feel that physical connection with, and it's strange because even in the two instances that I'm missing I was automatically attracted to one the first time, and the other I hated the first time and decided to give them a second chance.

I'm being vague and my communications skills right now are poor. I just need to vent.

I'm at work, and I'm feeling pretty vacant. People trying to talk to me on skype are getting ignored which is leading one woman (I stress woman, 29 years old, married, mother of two) to think I hate her, and she is posted really passive aggressive stuff about real friends and fake friends and I know it must be directed at me. I'm trying not to get upset, I don't want her mad at me or upset thinking that it's HER I don't like but she posted it all after I said "I just don't feel like talking, don't take it personally."  I don't need attitude coming from a woman whom I've always been kind to. and I don't want to talk about my problems to her either because she just apologizes and makes it about herself. It's not about her, she doesn't have to say "I'm sorry, I wish I could help" one more time, because after a while it looses it's effects.


Yesterday I went yard sale-ing and bought one of those big Stanly Thermoses for only 3 bucks, retail new is around 33 dollars and the vintage ones have gone for 50 on ebay.  I was going to sell it but since I'm working at the orchard this year I'm going to get it and keep it for soup or coffee (coffee with some vodka in it maybe)  I also bought a coffee mug that has tiger print on it and inside it says 'Hold that tiger!"  I don't know why it doesn't make any sense but I've been laughing for a thousand years every time I look at it so it's already been worth the 50 cents.

After that I went to an open house at a gym in the city where my friend Daisy was hosting a hoop yoga, so I went to that, and it was a lot of fun, the first time I had hooped in a while, I just wish it was outside, but I did a lot of tricks on my first try after not really doing them for like a year, so that was really good. It was a good work out for me and then my sister came over and we made sangria and played trivial pursuit, I made a new friend at the hoop thing and I'm hanging out with her Monday, it was probably the best day I've had in a while and I can't wait for school to end this semester so I can get out and do more things for the summer!


(no subject)

I'm having one of the worst days for really no reason.

I can't remember the last time my hair looked good, probably when I got it cut. I think it looks like a big mess and it's lost it's shine and it's sleekness that had come naturally to it for such a long time. I want to cut it all off (Search Esther Quek for a style reference) but I think it might just look even more terrible like that too.

I wanted to wear my white wig to class today and I struggled with my hair for a half an hour, thinking it looked good I went downstairs and my mom said you could see my hair line in the back, and I know my hair by my temples was showing (I didn't have time or patience for drag make up to cover it and the white hair covered it find because it's longer there)  anyway I just went and took it out and put my hair up in the same shitty pony tail that I do everyday, and I'm wearing jeans and a t-shirt and feeling unfashionable and upset. I don't want to be in this class.

This girl is explaining slavery to us. I think we know. I think we all know about slavery.

my knuckles are all scratched up, when I was house sitting I slept in the top bunk of bunk beds and when making it I had scratched my knuckles on the ceiling which is that plaster that is rough, and this morning I scratched it on the wall of my mom's closet while I was ironing, so it kind of looks like I've punched someone really hard but instead of feeling better I feel so angry about it. Like I really want to put my fist through something now.

I feel pathetic and frustrated. I feel unmotivated and completely useless and I'd like to crawl into a hole ala Sylvia Plath


(no subject)

Whenever I see parents turning on the TV to act as a babysitter I feel a little part of me die inside. I think that dvd players that hitch onto the back of car seats so the child can watch a television show on the ride to the store is pushing it. I think parents allow television to do too much for them....
But I'm dog sitting right now and this Pit Bull is a handful wanting my attention all the time and constantly trying to lick me, but then I found out he LOVES to watch Animal Planet, so I've just had it on mute for about two days. I can watch shows on my laptop and talk with people and he just sits there and watches it....

So I definitely understand the allure....


(no subject)

I should remember to come here more often.


this is more a letter to you than anything

I only had time to read a few of your posts tonight.

What is going on with these people you know?

I promise to read through all your posts when I have time, because we are friends, and I'm not a faker on the internet you can google me and everything.